A Gift To Legal Pub From Ian Coburn, Author of God Is A Woman

Legal Pub,

You and your readers have been some of my book’s biggest and most loyal fans. Also, I enjoy reading your blog, which I find more illuminating than most of the stories on the nightly news. So, I wanted all of you to be among some of the first to know… the popularity and style of the book landed me a column called “Ask a Guy” with Lifetime! You can follow the column, new ones posted each Thursday, at:

http://www.mylifetime.com/lifestyle/relationships/luv-views/blog/topic/17620

So please spread the word and send in your questions/post comments. (Questions come to me anonymously.) That’s not the big news, though; the big news is that if the column goes well, I have a book deal with a major publisher to write 50 Things You Don’t Know about Every Guy. The book will be short, definitive, and complete. Each chapter will consist of examining items from the list in detail. You guys are the first to view this; a clip of ten items from the list. After the list is a link to a clip of a chapter, to show you the book’s format. Enjoy!

1) We don’t care what your friends think and wish you could form your own opinion about us without having to take a potty break with them every 45 minutes.
2) Our shoes don’t say a damn thing about us. Clothes aren’t about fashion to men; they’re about comfort. Do you see us wearing uncomfortable high heels? Corsets? Pantyhose? Comfort is why we wear stained sweatshirts.
3) Along with 2), we throw jeans over the back of a chair to air them out and wear again because we don’t have time to wash and dry them before an upcoming occasion requires their particular level of comfort. If you want them washed, don’t plan four days of straight events that will require their comfort; give our jeans a day off!
4) Also with 2), quit complaining when you see a guy wearing socks with sandals. You know damn well a woman is responsible for that attire. She forces him to wear the uncomfortable sandals and he adds the socks to help curtail the blisters the stupid sandals cause. It’s a sister’s fault, not the guy’s.
5) If you don’t want us to stare at your breasts, stop wearing shirts three sizes too small or having your twins pop up half-way out of your top or dress… on second thought, don’t stop doing that; we won’t stare anymore, I promise.
6) There are only seven colors—blue, red, green, brown, purple, orange, and yellow (in order of importance). Describing something as canary, burgundy, fuchsia (I had to have a woman spell it), or chestnut is the equivalent of a dork describing to you what the Romulans did to the Klingons (I had to have a dork spell it) on K-9 in episode 14 of Star Trek, season 2. We don’t grimace, though, because while you babble about colors that don’t exist, it provides us the perfect opportunity to stare mindlessly at your breasts.
7) For those of you that keep unwittingly falling for gay guys, use 6). If a guy listens intently while you describe the fuchsia fabric you bought instead of using it as an opportunity to stare mindlessly at your breasts, he is gay.
8) The sexier, hotter, more revealing and expensive your outfit, the less we remember it because the more it makes us want to just tear it off you. I’ve had girlfriends who loved wearing lingerie; I don’t remember what any of it looked like and most of it stayed on for less than a millisecond… Want us to remember your clothes? Wear sweats, a baggy t-shirt, and fuchsia curlers when we go out. Guys don’t focus on women’s clothes; we focus on removing them. I can’t believe you can’t put two and two together when it comes to hot outfits and guys not remembering them.
9) A lot of times we don’t call after sex because you lied and we lost interest. The woman who had green eyes, a 36-C cup, a tight ass, and I didn’t know smoked when we left the bar, just came out of my bathroom naked with brown eyes, a pair of double A’s, a fat butt, and a cigarette dangling from her mouth, now that she had removed her colored contacts, extreme push up bra, and three sizes too tight pair of jeans. We still sleep with you on the spot because… well, it would be rude not to. But don’t expect a call from us, ever.
10) If your idea of going out is bar hopping with your friends to fourteen clubs in one night, your boyfriend will be staying home. We only bar hop because we are searching for women or striking out with the ones at our current location. Since we already have you, bar hopping is pointlessly tiring. A pub crawl? That’s completely different… If you want your boyfriend to bar hop with you, tell him it’s a pub crawl.

The Chapter Link: http://www.godisawoman.net/Print%20Versions/clip.htm