Thursday, September 4, 2008

A Gift To Legal Pub From Ian Coburn, Author of God Is A Woman

Legal Pub,

You and your readers have been some of my book’s biggest and most loyal fans. Also, I enjoy reading your blog, which I find more illuminating than most of the stories on the nightly news. So, I wanted all of you to be among some of the first to know… the popularity and style of the book landed me a column called “Ask a Guy” with Lifetime! You can follow the column, new ones posted each Thursday, at:

So please spread the word and send in your questions/post comments. (Questions come to me anonymously.) That’s not the big news, though; the big news is that if the column goes well, I have a book deal with a major publisher to write 50 Things You Don’t Know about Every Guy. The book will be short, definitive, and complete. Each chapter will consist of examining items from the list in detail. You guys are the first to view this; a clip of ten items from the list. After the list is a link to a clip of a chapter, to show you the book’s format. Enjoy!

1) We don’t care what your friends think and wish you could form your own opinion about us without having to take a potty break with them every 45 minutes.
2) Our shoes don’t say a damn thing about us. Clothes aren’t about fashion to men; they’re about comfort. Do you see us wearing uncomfortable high heels? Corsets? Pantyhose? Comfort is why we wear stained sweatshirts.
3) Along with 2), we throw jeans over the back of a chair to air them out and wear again because we don’t have time to wash and dry them before an upcoming occasion requires their particular level of comfort. If you want them washed, don’t plan four days of straight events that will require their comfort; give our jeans a day off!
4) Also with 2), quit complaining when you see a guy wearing socks with sandals. You know damn well a woman is responsible for that attire. She forces him to wear the uncomfortable sandals and he adds the socks to help curtail the blisters the stupid sandals cause. It’s a sister’s fault, not the guy’s.
5) If you don’t want us to stare at your breasts, stop wearing shirts three sizes too small or having your twins pop up half-way out of your top or dress… on second thought, don’t stop doing that; we won’t stare anymore, I promise.
6) There are only seven colors—blue, red, green, brown, purple, orange, and yellow (in order of importance). Describing something as canary, burgundy, fuchsia (I had to have a woman spell it), or chestnut is the equivalent of a dork describing to you what the Romulans did to the Klingons (I had to have a dork spell it) on K-9 in episode 14 of Star Trek, season 2. We don’t grimace, though, because while you babble about colors that don’t exist, it provides us the perfect opportunity to stare mindlessly at your breasts.
7) For those of you that keep unwittingly falling for gay guys, use 6). If a guy listens intently while you describe the fuchsia fabric you bought instead of using it as an opportunity to stare mindlessly at your breasts, he is gay.
8) The sexier, hotter, more revealing and expensive your outfit, the less we remember it because the more it makes us want to just tear it off you. I’ve had girlfriends who loved wearing lingerie; I don’t remember what any of it looked like and most of it stayed on for less than a millisecond… Want us to remember your clothes? Wear sweats, a baggy t-shirt, and fuchsia curlers when we go out. Guys don’t focus on women’s clothes; we focus on removing them. I can’t believe you can’t put two and two together when it comes to hot outfits and guys not remembering them.
9) A lot of times we don’t call after sex because you lied and we lost interest. The woman who had green eyes, a 36-C cup, a tight ass, and I didn’t know smoked when we left the bar, just came out of my bathroom naked with brown eyes, a pair of double A’s, a fat butt, and a cigarette dangling from her mouth, now that she had removed her colored contacts, extreme push up bra, and three sizes too tight pair of jeans. We still sleep with you on the spot because… well, it would be rude not to. But don’t expect a call from us, ever.
10) If your idea of going out is bar hopping with your friends to fourteen clubs in one night, your boyfriend will be staying home. We only bar hop because we are searching for women or striking out with the ones at our current location. Since we already have you, bar hopping is pointlessly tiring. A pub crawl? That’s completely different… If you want your boyfriend to bar hop with you, tell him it’s a pub crawl.

The Chapter Link:


jill said...

So do guys lie too? How about waking up to find a man's toupee on the floor?


Anonymous said...

I can do that one better, Jill. Usually you can tell when a guy has a toupee. But hey Ian, what about that fake implanted hair that never grows and eventually turns green?


Joey P. said...

I have seen more fake hair extenders on women! You think you got a Rupunzelle and you wake up with a Butch!

Joey P.

blond bombshell said...

"If you don’t want us to stare at your breasts, stop wearing shirts three sizes too small or having your twins pop up half-way out of your top or dress... on second thought, don’t stop doing that; we won’t stare anymore, I promise."

I hate to say it, but girls, there is some truth to what Coburn says on that subject...

But when he talks about a blond with nice breasts (let's call her Shelly) he is NOT talking about me. I disguise my figure whenever I go into any club, especially one where there are wrestling fans...


Did You Stop to Think? said...


Here are some basic tips to spotting a toupee... while the guy is still wearing it:

The hair on the sides of his head are one color, the hair on the top another. (Like gray on the sides and black on the top or red on the sides and blonde on the top.)

Not a single strand of the hair on the top of his head ever breaks rank. Not one soldier out of order? Come on. Dead giveaway.

When he checks his hair with a light brush and the entire mass of it shifts.

Hope this helps! May you never find another rug on your floor, except the one that's supposed to be there. (It's usually pretty easy for guys to spot padded and push-up bras, too, but, amazingly, some can't do it.)

I've never heard of hair turning green. Do tell your story, Sally.

Did You Stop to Think? said...

Oh yeah, for those who don't know, this is Ian Coburn under my blogger name.

Anonymous said...

Ian, How do you tell if a man has had surgery to enlarge his sexual organ? I am a natural girl who loves natural not surgical things.


anne said...

How can you tell how much a man really makes without examining his pay stub? I mean, any man can have a phony card. A man can even rent a nice car for a weekend. But how can you tell if he can really support me the way I deserve to be supported?


brad said...

Why the obsession with money, girls. Don't you love men for their personality?


bertha said...

Woman's Creed

Live your life in such a way that

when your feet hit the floor in the morning,

The Devil shudders & says...

“Oh hell...she's awake!!”


Anonymous said...

Guys, wonder why woman call all the shots? I once read that a beautiful, successful,
intelligent woman is approached by a man on average 5 to 10 times a day. That means guys hit on her between 150 and 300 times in any given month. Think about that.

No wonder the Shell's of the world have to disguise themselves!

Ian, how do you approach such a girl without just being another man in the crowd?

Also for the women, how does a woman let men know if they are interested or not? (Some guys are a go and some are a no!)

The "t" said...

Ian, I am turned off by men who do the following, and I want to know why:

1) Can't maintain eye contact

2) Has slumped, submissive posture

3) Fidgets nervously

4) lets other guys invade his space.

5) Looks for approval and/or approval from others

Why is it that if a man does one or more of the above, my interest in him sinks faster then the titanic?


Ms Calabaza said...


OMG ... guys lie all the time. I sure hope that toupee story isn't true because it' just hilariously sad.

Did You Stop to Think? said...

Good questions, thanks everyone for asking. Keep 'em coming. I will answer them all later tonight in one long response. Right now, I have to head out for a dinner date.

Did You Stop to Think? said...

All right, here we go:

Penny, if you can't tell yourself, does it really matter? I really have no idea on that one because the only tool I spend any time w/at all is my own. Sorry! I suppose you could use me as the control group and go from there. (100% natural.) What's your address?

Anne, I would hope you are supporting yourself the way you deserve to be supported. That's your job, not anyone else's. Once you start dating, then you can find out what he makes relatively easily. We spend a lot of time looking at things that have nothing to do with love or attraction, like money. You might get your mind or feet (in search of good shoes) to like a guy with money but that doesn't necessarily mean your heart will follow. Don't put the carriage before the horse; it doesn't work well.

Anonymous, I once got a date with a gorgeous, sexy waitress simply by making a little small talk throughout my meal, as she passed my table. (She wasn't my waitress.) Near the end of the meal, I told her, "I have a question. How do you tell someone they have beautiful eyes and that you want to take her to dinner, just to find out about the person behind those eyes, without sounding like every other hack who asks her out while she's working?"

She smiled. "I don't know."

"See? It's not so easy to be a man. You thought it was all no-line-for-the-bathroom and being able to stand while peeing. But it's not."

She laughed.

"Well, if you think of any tips, let me know."

She dropped her number on my table a few minutes later and we had a couple awesome dates. In other words, be original. Look to see if she smiles at you when you catch eyes or if she just looks away or frowns. (Don't approach in that scenario.) Don't use lines. Instead, find something in the room or on her to discuss; the thing I call the common-denominator. If I were at the Republican Convention tonight, I'd ask a woman what she thought of McCain's speech as the ice-breaker. After she told me, I'd add, "Okay, now for the real important question. What did you think of his tie? Shoes? Wrong tie, wrong shoes, I predict he won't be President," I would joke. "How many ties do you think a President owns?" And so forth. Keep it light and flirty to keep it interesting and her curious to hear what you will say next. If you ask her out, don't ask for her number. Instead, ask her to something specific in the conversation. "I heard so-and-so here over in Minneapolis has the best brunch. I've been meaning to check it out. How about heading over there with me tomorrow?" That really makes you stand out, as opposed to, "Can I call you sometime?"

I don't think these women get approached 5 to 10 times a day, unless you count a whistle, "Wow," and "You're hot" as an approach. Most beautiful, successful, intelligent women will tell you they don't get approached much, just gawked and smiled at, as well as a few non-risky cat-calls. Again, if she's interested, look for a smile, nod, etc, as an indicator.

Okay "T," you're next. You are drawn to confidence and signs of non-confidence turn you off. All the things you describe are simply indicators of non-confidence. The question is, do you know the signs of confidence? What do you take as indicators of confidence?

As for guys lying, yeah, guys lie. But it's far less than women accuse them of. Lots of times guys are upfront and direct but instead of listening to them, women "read" them--they try to anticipate what the guy really means. This is because women tend to communicate via actions over words while men tend to communicate via words over actions. For example, if a guy says he doesn't want to date anyone when he meets you, ladies, and later asks for your number, you often think something about you has changed his mind and now he is considering dating. WRONG!! He said he didn't want to date; when you give him your number, as far as he's concerned, you just told him you are cool with possibly just hooking up for a non-serious relationship. You'd help yourselves out a lot by blocking your own urge to "read" men. We're really not that hard to read; easier than Dr. Seuss!

Hope these help. Thanks again for asking; always flattering.

the "t" said...


The "T"

Rikki said...

How can I get a guy's breath to smell better?


Anonymous said...

How can I get my boyfriend to dress better?

Did You Stop to Think? said...

Don't forget to send this same ?'s into Lifetime by following the link in the original post; good stuff and it will help land the book deal!

Bad breath: Seriously, just tell him he has bad breath and give him some mints or gum or something. I'm not kidding. Watch how guys communicate w/each other--very directly. "Dude, your breath stinks!"

Better Clothes: Take him shopping. Buy him a few things. Tell him he looks really good in these things and be quite the stylish stud.