This article could have been called, "How to Stabilize A War Zone After Divorce." In fact, it was the title until editors vetoed the suggestion. How the title could be any more clear is beyond mere mortal comprehension. Face facts. Divorce is war. Post divorce, the war zone still exists, so the need to demilitarize the area is essential to survival. Legal Pub has a decent proposal to reduce domestic violence. LINK. But here are some practical suggestions to the newly divorced who are still angry at the ex.
Start with the understanding that yes, your ex probably is Satan reincarnated. Yes, your ex deserves to feel your pain. Yes, your ex probably provokes every fight and is responsible for every problem in the world including the national debt. Feel better? Understand, that the reality of the situation is that your angry is a serious obstacle to your own recovery and happiness.
Anger perpetuates an emotional connection to someone who no longer loves you. When a short phone call ruins your day or when you lose your temper because your ex is 15 minutes late, or whenever you vent to a friend, it empowers your ex and destroys your life. How does the vicious circle end? Put it in the past and move on with your life. This requires you to recognize the repetitive pattern of behavior which triggers your adverse response. Once you recognize the stimulus, you can fashion your own response such as a smile and a warm feeling of content that you are no longer married to this person. Once you master this concept, you can then gently steer the conversation back to amicably settling the issue (which usually involves your children. After all, if you don't have common children, there should be little or no interaction with your ex necessary after a divorce.) When discussing matters with your ex, stick to the business at hand. There is no reason to discuss any other topic. Never touch your ex and never use profanity. Think of your ex as an adverse business colleague. Be tough but respectful, stay on topic and absolutely no threats or violence.
Editor Note: Viper can be found on Vicious Divorce: LINK.