Monday, January 9, 2012

Post Divorce Suggestions ~by Viper

This article could have been called, "How to Stabilize A War Zone After Divorce." In fact, it was the title until editors vetoed the suggestion. How the title could be any more clear is beyond mere mortal comprehension. Face facts. Divorce is war. Post divorce, the war zone still exists, so the need to demilitarize the area is essential to survival. Legal Pub has a decent proposal to reduce domestic violence. LINK. But here are some practical suggestions to the newly divorced who are still angry at the ex.

Start with the understanding that yes, your ex probably is Satan reincarnated. Yes, your ex deserves to feel your pain. Yes, your ex probably provokes every fight and is responsible for every problem in the world including the national debt. Feel better? Understand, that the reality of the situation is that your angry is a serious obstacle to your own recovery and happiness.

Anger perpetuates an emotional connection to someone who no longer loves you. When a short phone call ruins your day or when you lose your temper because your ex is 15 minutes late, or whenever you vent to a friend, it empowers your ex and destroys your life. How does the vicious circle end? Put it in the past and move on with your life. This requires you to recognize the repetitive pattern of behavior which triggers your adverse response. Once you recognize the stimulus, you can fashion your own response such as a smile and a warm feeling of content that you are no longer married to this person. Once you master this concept, you can then gently steer the conversation back to amicably settling the issue (which usually involves your children. After all, if you don't have common children, there should be little or no interaction with your ex necessary after a divorce.) When discussing matters with your ex, stick to the business at hand. There is no reason to discuss any other topic. Never touch your ex and never use profanity. Think of your ex as an adverse business colleague. Be tough but respectful, stay on topic and absolutely no threats or violence.

Furthermore, want to show your ex what they are missing? Improve yourself both mentally and physically. Get in shape physically. Start a new hobby and make new friends. Develop a pleasant personality, one that is slow to anger and eager to help others. In other words, recreate yourself. There is no better way to prove that you are worthy of respect than becoming a better parent and a better person.

Editor Note: Viper can be found on Vicious Divorce: LINK.


Legal Pub said...

Thanks Viper! Best wishes for 2012!

Viper can be found at: Vicious divorce

Anonymous said...

Easier said then done, Viper.

Anonymous said...

Granted it is not easy, but you know Viper is right.

It took me 3 years to let my feelings of hostility towards my ex go. But now that I have let it go, I finally feel free.

Anonymous said...

well written

Video Guy said...

“Easier said then done, Viper.”…well said! It really depends on many factors and the personalities at hand. The cause of the separation, than divorce can be an important factor as this can inflict deep resentments…like adultery.

One thing I think has to change is the way the courts judge custody of children, thus making them pawns in the settlement and a way for one to inflict deep emotional distress to the others mate. This can be abused by a vengeful personality.

Joint custody should be the law unless one or the other parent is proven to be a poor parent. Of coarse this would cut out added continuances and court appearances’ that would trickle down into less $$$ for the divorce attorneys, so I don’t expect Viper to encourage this line of thought. But I’m thinking about the big picture when one is pushed to far and they resort to violence, even Judges and Attorneys have not escaped such wrath…your messing with a million year old internal, primal, maternal instinct here that is not so easy to repress.

A videographer friend of mine was taping a deposition here in Chicago, not sure what the case was about…but the gun came out. Bang, bang, bang…dead Attorney, dead client. The shooter had my friend and the stenographer up against the wall at gunpoint…he told me later he thought it was OVER for him. Than another Attorney that was wounded attacked the shooter from behind…in which he joined in and they all started pounding on him (the shooter). My friend, being a big guy was sitting on the shooter after they restrained him while the others called the cops, and the shooter told him he was sorry, my friend said: “Ya should have thought of that before you started shooting everyone.”, than gave him another smack! How I found out about it was when watching the local news with the volume turned down and I seen his face on the tube but didn’t catch the story….so I called him and he told me all about it. Happened about 95-96 I think.

Be careful Viper…they are out there!
BTW…Viper = Divorce lawyer…I’d consider changing my handle…LOL

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing Video Guy.

I loved L.P. Proposal to Reduce Domestic Violence.
A presumption of join physical custody is definitely the way to go.

Anonymous said...

Good advice

Anonymous said...

Good advice

Anonymous said...

Divorce just plain sucks