Thursday, March 18, 2010

It Is 2010 And Men Still Need To Read Books Like "Undatable" ~by Blond Bombshell with Some Help From Ms. Calabaza

Now, I have never met Ms. C. But she sent Legal Pub a joke which was so illustrative of the title, I had to include it in this article.
Ms. C: An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blond male construction works used to eat lunch together on the 20th floor of a building project. Being tortured with repetition, the Irishman proclaimed, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump. The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' The blond opened his lunch and said with equal disgust, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping with you guys.'

Sure enough, the next day, the Irishman saw corned beef and cabbage in his lunch box and jumped to his death. The Mexican saw a burrito and leaped as well. The blond guy opened his lunch, saw bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife sobbed, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!' The Mexican's wife also cried, 'I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.' But the blond man's wife sat silently. Sensing all of the stares, she exclaimed, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

Blond Bombshell: Such is the way of modern life. Some men truly need help. So rather than bash men, I am going to offer some sage advice to help men improve their chances with the opposite sex. After all, Sandra Bollock appears to be back on the market. So all you guys got a shot, right? To start, buy and actually read the book, "Undateable." It has some humerus clues to explain why many men are home alone on weekends eating t.v. dinners. After you read the book, read it again. Then your are ready for some cliff note like advice for those still struggling with the concept of "self improvement." Are your ready for the ABCs...

A. Unless you are visibly impaired, don't wear sunglasses indoors.

B. Polyester tops, mullets, gold chains, crocks, and knee socks are out! NO EXCEPTIONS!

C. Speedos are a deal breaker. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

D. Any man who unbuttons more than one button on his shirt is cheesy.

E. Wearing baseball caps indoors! They may be fine for outdoors, but leave them in your car. They have no place inside of any building, home or restaurant unless you are on the job as an employee of Home Depot.

F. Don't be a Dumb@ss! Learn how to read, write and spell. It is not romantic having a conversation with or receiving a note from a man who sounds like a third grader. (Contrary to what you may read, most of us are not cougars!) If you are not well educated, than no worries. Just take steps to improve yourself by reading books and taking classes. (Get that GED now instead of putting it off.)

G. Learn to communicate. This necessitates learning to listen. Your stories are great, but one who is willing to listen to our stories is truly an interesting partner.

H. Jewelry! Men who wear necklaces and rings don't have a chance with most of us! The only ring us single women want to see is a wedding ring... that is so we know to stay the hell away from you.
I. Facial hair. If it's scraggly, shave it off. Most men don't look good with facial hair. It's out unless you are a pirate or Yukon tour guide. Otherwise, we are always wondering what you are trying to hide under that hair.
J. Shoes. Subtle is in. Shiny shoes are not. That is unless you are Harry Potter or some other supernatural freak. If you are spending so much time polishing your shoes, you are bound to be a super narcissist!

K. Talking badly about children or animals? Jeffrey Dommer like images are created when such ugly words spew from your mouth.
L. Finally, I don't care how sensitive you think it makes you look, don't carry a hand bag. Guys with purses don't really create a whole lot attraction from us heterosexual women.
Good luck, gentlemen...


Anonymous said...

Actually some decent tips.

Anonymous said...

Real men don't wear jewelry...

unless you are Johnny Depp.

Anonymous said...

No European hand bags for men?

Anonymous said...

Excellent post, Shell! Ever dated a guy with a mullet and gold chain? Maybe in the 80's? How 'bout a man-purse? Yeah, they really are a major no-no ... tee-hee!

Ms. Calabaza

Anonymous said...

Excellent post, Shell! Ever dated a guy with a mullet and gold chain? Maybe in the 80's? How 'bout a man-purse? Yeah, they really are a major no-no ... tee-hee!

Ms. Calabaza

Video Guy said...

The most important tip she left out was this;
Tape a $100 bill to your forehead and the women will be falling over each-other to get to you!

Blond Bombshell said...

Ms. C.,

Good to hear from you. Hope all is well. Actually, on the modeling circuit there were quite a few bleached blond mullets in the late 90's and even early 2000. (Male models trying for a retro weird look I suppose...)

Video Guy, LOL. I like the forehead idea, but I think maybe it ought to be a $500 dollar bill in order to be safe.

To the Anon: Johnny Depp has really great eyes. Most of us don't even notice anything else.

For the Jessie James haters in the news media: Back off. J.J. is just being J.J. Think of him doing a favor for the men of the world giving Sandra Bollock her ability to be back on the open market... LOL


Helen said...

the idiot indeed does make his own lunch. Men are to blame for their own problems but they fail to recognize where the true fault lies.