For Saint Patricks day, it is rather slow. While Paul McCartney awaits his 50 million dollar divorce decision, Halle Berry, 41, celebrates Sunday's birth of her daughter. Gabriel Aubry, the baby's 32 year old father is the envy of males around the globe. The two have been dating for two years. Berry told Oprah Winfrey last year that playing a mother in her latest movie, "Things We Lost in the Fire," convinced her she was ready for motherhood.
Berry may be a "Marriage Strike Supporter" because she insists that she has absolutely no plans to marry in the immediate future. Berry won the best-actress Oscar for 2001's "Monster's Ball." She also won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for 1999.
Berry may be a "Marriage Strike Supporter" because she insists that she has absolutely no plans to marry in the immediate future. Berry won the best-actress Oscar for 2001's "Monster's Ball." She also won an Emmy and a Golden Globe for 1999.
Speaking of birthday suits, Nicholas Hadzick of Freeland got arrested in his. This Luzerne County man is jailed for allegedly committing vandalism while naked. Nicholas Hadzick is accused of causing thousands of dollars in damage. Supposedly, Hadzick targeted the Willow Valley Resort and a near-by 24-hour grocery store. Perhaps inebriation contributed to the naked rampage? According to store manager, Jeff Frymyer, "He did quite a bit of damage to our store. Anything he could throw, he threw."
Hadzick is 30. He may turn 31 still in jail. Hadzick's bond is set at $200,000. He faces numerous charges, including risking a catastrophe, open lewdness, and public drunkenness.
Lesson: Have a safe Saint Patrick's day and keep your clothes on. That way, nine months later you won't be contributing to world overpopulation or going on a naked rampage. As a special treat, in the comments section are dueling comedians providing St. Pat's jokes. Perhaps Ian Coburn will join them. Thanks R.K. and Surfer Dude.
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22 comments:
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Iron Mike said...
I was hoping that you would post a picture of Halle Berry to perk up the male spirits on a dreary Monday!
Iron Mike
“Here's to a long life, and a merry one; a quick death, and an easy one; a pretty girl, and an honest one; a cold beer - and another one!”
Happy St. Patrick's Day
PS- methinks, Heather Mills is a "gold digger"...make that, a "rich gold digger"
The green beer is fine Ms. Calabaza just so that everyone knows to take a cab!
Responsible fun gets the thumbs up.
S & E
Halle Berry is most men's dream girl! Obama ought to pick this mamma as the V.P.
Rommie
The naked vandal v. a naked Halle Berry in Monster Ball...
not even a close call.
Ralph
McCartney needs Wings to fly away from this bad finacial train wreck.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have som ething in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
R.K.
I shall not be out done on St. Patty's Day, R.K.
A cop pulls over an Irish Drunk driver.
Cop: "So where have ya been?"
Driver: "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
Cop: "Well, it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.
Driver:"I did all right."
Cop: "Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
Driver: "Oh, thank heavens... For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Surfer Dude
Not so fast you West Coast wanna be Irish surfer.
Brenda O'Malley was home making dinner when her husband's buddy Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.
Tim: "Brenda, I've somethin' to tell ya".
Brenda: "Come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
Tim: "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery and your husband is dead..."
Brenda "Oh, God no. How did it happen, Tim?"
Tim: "It was terrible. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
Brenda: "Did he at least go quickly?"
Tim: "Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."
R.K.
You can't touch this one, R.K.
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after Sunday service, and she's in tears.
O'Grady: "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
Mary: "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night."
O Grady: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"
Mary: "That he did, Father."
O'Grady: "What did your husband ask, Mary? "
Mary: 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
Surfer Dude
Surfer Dude, you are good, but give the old man his do, bet a fiddle of gold that I am still better then you:
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church on Saint Patricks Day. The drunk enters a confessional booth. The drunk sits down, but says nothing but does grunt a few times.
ThePriest coughs a few times to get the drunk's attention but the drunk continues to sit in silence.
Finally,the Priest pounds three times on the confessional wall between them.
The drunk mumbles in response, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
R.K.
For St. Pats day last year, I gave my wife, "Mrs. Jester" one week at the local fitness club.In deciding what to get her this year, I stumbled across her diary.
"Dear Diary,
For St Pats day, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.Does he think I am fat or does he just want to get me healthier so that I can live longer and prolong until death do us part? I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago. Nevertheless, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and fine tune my body with some light exercise. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad. Brad described himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep this diary to chart my progress.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. anxious to meet Brad. It was well worth the early start when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is a Greek god - a blond haired Adonis with dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY: Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY: I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any tricep s! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY: Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the little shit) will not try to kill me. At the very least he should give me a gift like a root canal or a hysterectomy. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!Yah, Hubby, why not try diamonds next year?
Jester
I gave my wife (Mrs. Jester) a St. Pats gift last year of a week at a fitness club. Here is her diary from last year.
Dear Diary,
For St Pats this year my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. At first I thought he might be telling me that I am fat. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. After all, a little fine tuning couldn't hurt. I made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor who models athletic and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is a Greek god - with blond hair , dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Brad showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which Brad conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
-------------
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I made it out the door. Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air with weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning. When he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair master. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. Tieing my shoes made me half an hour late. Brad made me use dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate Brad more than any human being in the history of the world. Stupid, little #@*. If there was a part of my body I could move, I would beat him with it. Brad wanted me to work triceps. I don't have any and if he doesn't want dents in the floor, don't hand me anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me...
SATURDAY: Brad left a message in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. I wanted to smash the answering machine; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote.
SUNDAY: The Church van pick me up for services so could thank GOD that this week is over. I prayed that next year my husband chooses a more enjoyable gift like a root canal or a hysterectomy. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds! Diamonds, that would be a better idea for my next St Patricks day gift.
Jester
I'm having a lot more fun reading the jokes than writing them. Some good ones! I'll refrain from jumping in; joke-jokes were never my style but I enjoy the good ones and there are plenty here. Thanks for sharing!
Oh come on, Ian be a sport. Standup is even more funny.
D.C.
Well, the description of Hadzick was a little misleading. Originally, police were looking for a three legged man.... Congratualations to Nick on his inheriting good DNA.
Rosie
Knew you could not resist chiming in Rosie! Thanks.
Perhaps Hadzick was not on a naked rampage.
Perhaps he was just doing a break dance that got out of control?
Just how many green clad lepracons do you think I meet out surfing?
Surfer Dude
Just how many green clad lepracons do you think I meet out surfing?
Surfer Dude
Probably not many. Happy St. Pats day a year later Surfer Dude.
Brad
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